Help- I need advice Okay, I never claim to be the perfect wife, but I wouldn't mind feeling that way sometimes. Today I feel very far from that target. My husband is sick and I don't know what to do. We both have some health issues and because of that I think we get colds and flues a little more often than we should. The problem, my husband is a wonderful spouse. He want to pamper me and spoil me as much as possible. If he thinks I feel sick he tries to anticipate all of my needs and wants. He gets overly concerned and if it was up to him would send me to a doctor if I broke my nail. I find myself hiding a lot of my symptoms from him so that I can focus on other things besides feeling sick. I hate him asking me what's wrong all the time because I believe if I can just live normally I would get better faster. My husband is on the other end of the spectrum. He's been sick for 3 days now and he that's all he wants to talk about. He feels horrible and wants to tell me why. He wants me to rub his back. He wants me to get off the computer to sit with him. He wants me to go the store to get him some pop. He wants me to bring him a glass of water. He wants me to go out and buy some fried chicken. There is the voice inside of me that is screaming,” Get up! … You're not that sick...You won’t die if you get a glass of water yourself… We can’t afford take out…You should never eat fried chicken because of your heart condition... ". I haven’t said those things to him but I want to. What I've tried to be honest by saying a nicer version: You shouldn’t talk so much about how sick you are, don't just give into your sickness you can still do some things, if you need to sleep all day that's fine but please get your own water, I'm worried about money so I don't want to stop working. I think everybody can use pampering from time to time, sick or not. I feel like a bad wife for sticking to my guns but I have babied my honey in the past and I feel like the more I do the more he wants. How do I express my love when I my inner voice screaming that I should not treat him better than I treat myself? I hope this rant makes sense because I really could use some good advice. In the past I’ve ignored what I think is important just to please my man. Now I am trying to bring more balance to our relationship but I don't want jump to the other extreme either. What should I do? Please be specific, I could use the help. Related Links: I Am Woman Hear Me Roarrrrrrr !! 
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13 comments:
Well LLnL,
You have to take care of yourself. Personally, I notice that when I neglect myself over a period of time to take care of my husband and son, it gets old and I get stressed. Everybody needs some time to themselves. So that's my first recommendation.
My second one would be to talk to your husband about his requests, but after he gets better. He probably would be more receptive then. Be gentle when you talk to him though. Your being there for him probably makes him feel better.
Hope that helps for starters.
yes i agree with tonya too.
Call his mother? :P Find out what she does.
That's assuming you're on good terms with the mother-in-law, of course.
Tell him to SUCK IT UP! and move on with life, the next time he complains, tell him to go to the Hospital if he is SO SIck! big baby...ja-ja
I agree with you, he should try to get his own glass of water and all little things he wants.
If you are sick, you shouldnt lie down all day long. You should walk often.
I'll advice you to tell him what you fell about the situation. Tell him that you are concerned about the situation and sometimes you feel he is abusing. Just because he treats you like 10 nurses when you sick doesnt mean you are that kind of person and you will give up everything just to be by his side 24/7. He is the Man!!
And if he is sick for 3 or 4 days now, I think it's time to see a doctor...
PS: the fact you are afraid of being a bad wife and that you are seeking for help makes you one of the most wonderful and caring wife in the world. Kudos to you
OOh i foget, about the Popeye and spinach thing. Check this
http://listverse.com/miscellaneous/10-more-fascinating-facts-that-are-wrong/
it will show you that he is lying.
@Tonya Nash- Thank you for the great advice.I think I am not as patient with him because of self neglect. I need to work on that.
@Lilian- Hi! I appreciate that.Please come back soon.
@Gabriel Gadfly- I feel lucky every time you leave a comment. I assume this is not your type of blog. Great advice but we lost his mother a few years ago. I share about that on Sat.
@Former Fat Chick- LOL! I like the way your mind works; ) Sometimes I'm tempted to say that but I know that would not work. Men can hold grudges just as well as women. Even though he is a lot stronger than he is letting on I understand he's growing through somethings that he does know how to deal with. I think in general he's feeling a little down and wanted some extra love. I get it, I just don't feel like I have to change for his comfort.
@LazyKing- You know just what to say. Thank you SOOOOO much. I have a big cheesy grin now.
Him being sick, now is the time to enforce a healthier diet on him "out of concern". Vengeance can be cloaked as tough love ;)
I've heard chicken got him into this mess, last thing he needs is chicken - in any form, let alone greasy. He gets enough of that when you're not around (yes, I'm snitchin')
Good luck with the "in sickness" part of your vows. Knowing your hubby I cry inside for your travails anmd prasie your patience. ;)
Hi LLnL :)
I should be fast asleep, but I just cant get to sleep yet(it's now early in the morn!), so I thought I would come over and check out a couple of ur posts till my eyes get too heavy too read :)
I do know how you feel. When I had my 40th birthday party, my husband came down with some stomach bug, and ended up all day/night in bed sleeping ! I had to do most of the party on my own, even with my health problems ! Grrrrr
However these days my husband is very caring to me, and helps me out a lot. He doesn't try to make me too dependent on him tho, which is a good thing. If that happens then it is easy for the sick person to take advantage of their partner. I have an Aunty who is like that with her husband :(
So see to your man when he isn't well, but don't do all the little bits and pieces that he is still capable of doing himself !
What's that saying about 'not making a rod for your back', or is the other way around ? LOL well it's so true !
All the best to you both with your health.
More importantly look after yourself ! :)
I am trying to find that other link u were telling me about, is it the William shatner (sp?) one?
Thank you for your response on my post earlier, will reply to it a bit later on. Going to try to get some sleep now . Nite !:)
ps... I found that other link now, thank you :)
Hahaha!! My husband is the EXACT same way. In fact, I was laughing when I was reading your post because it sounds so much like him and he asked me what I was laughing at... I told him and he was like "ha ha" (sarcastically) But he says he treats me nice when I'm sick because that's how he wants to be treated when he's sick. I dunno... He doesn't act like a baby any other time but if he has as much of a headache you'd think he's dying or something with the way he acts!
I've kind of just given up trying to let it get to me though because honestly, it was easier for me to change my feeling annoyed than it was going to be for him to keep it to himself. I hope that helps :o)
It often depends on how I am. Its difficult when you are both needy at the same time.The only thing that helps me is thinking how unbelieavbly kind my partner is and has been to me.And if I cant help at the time to tell him very honestly.love your posts
@Dominus Digg- It feel good to know someone understands my plight. I understand you advice is great in theory but does not hold up in real life. It takes a lot to monitor kids and enforce certain things like diet, but when you try to force an adult to eat right, if they don't want they will just find another way and resent you for it. I'm cure loved ones have said to you to stop smoking before, but you will stop when you get ready to. The best thing I can do is try to be disciplined in my own eating and cooking habits and to not punish him with a nasty attitude, but I have tried that and it does not work.
@Jules- Thank you so much for that. I would love to rub his back, I actually like doing that for him, but I feel like if I give him an inch he'll take a mile. I have to learn how to say no and mean it without being mean. I think if he saw the compassion when I said no to the water but yes to the back rub he might feel a little needy and a little more cared for.
@Future Mama- I know what you mean. Every sickness is acted out to the same degree. His behavior is the same whether he has a cold or after he comes out off surgery. I do think that regardless of what I did for him, if I have a great attitude it would be better for the both of us.
@thepianoplayersdaughter- I think I am needy but I just don't ask for help and kind of feel like other people should be like me too. He is however a very kind and considerate man. He doe a lot for me that I'm sure he feels I could and maybe should do for myself, but he never complains. In fact I have to be careful telling him that I want something because he will try his best to get it even if I don't ask. My problem is that I don't have practice setting boundaries with people of love. I want him not to ask so that I don't have to say no, that's not his fault.
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