Hidden Strength

Thursday, February 12 |

I love to read and write about almost any topic. The world is filled with so many amazing nuances that delight my mind. So when I'm filled with awe and wonder I want to get it out and express it masterfully through words. I get to my computer and find myself hesitating and the next thing I know I just churned out a post filled with links to other places where people had the gumption to say what they think, feel, want and hate. I started blogging because I thought it was the answer for my unexpressed energy and it was. When I began to blog I felt excited everyday because I'd discovered a vehicle to get it all out and find others who were interested in what I had to say. Here in my house, without any deadlines I feel safe and secure to share anything that my heart desires, at least I use to. At first I felt freedom from judgment, criticism, and having to abide by social norms but soon experienced the fear of remaining vulnerable to strangers. If you receive mean comments about your writing or your decisions in life it makes since to become a little discouraged. However my problem is that very few people commented on my blog. Sometimes I feel like I am pouring my heart out and people are taking the time to read it but I have no idea what they think.

I guess I am use to feedback. My first year in college an English Professor would pull aside after class and talk about my assignment, in addition to the glowing reviews he wrote on the assignment itself. Although I felt flattered I wondered what made him like my writing. The only thing articulated writing style was an attempt to make it personal by writing what I know. A couple of months into to class I wanted to try something new and I decided to write without any personal reference, after all I was reading great works of literature and to write about myself seemed a little self centered. After I finished I turned in my assignment with a since of pride and looked forward to reading the comments that would soon follow. Instead my Professor handed me the assignment with a big red C on the front. I sought him out after class and asked him why I received a low score and he explained he's reasoning, long story short it underwhelmed him. From the rest of the semester I made a point to let the topic of the each assignment affect me and let that affect be reflected in my paper; I walked away from that class with and A. Maybe that is why feedback is so important to me now: I want to know how to improve my writing and my work is so personal that I feel rejected if no one cares to comment.

I'm not sure if people even know what LL&L stands for. This blog was originally titled Love Lust and Life. LL&L is supposed to be my online diary; a chronicle of my life experiences and choices. I want to share the good the bad and ugly about myself. One of the purposes of LL&L is to promote tolerance; I hope that by sharing different aspects of my life I think people might become more patient with others and themselves. As a social person who can experience platonic love at first sight, or first contact (more internet appropriate I guess), I try hard to be understand everyone's point of view and personal plight. I hate it when people are mean, harsh, critical, gossipy, or two-faced. I hate when people exclude, dismiss, belittle, look down on, and pick on people just in order to display their hysterical hierarchy. So me and LL&L have become an extremely open minded, loving, humble and patient. I really appreciate those qualities but I have noticed one important drawback; I have lost my own voice and my writing has suffered because of that. By making sure that no one's opinion were dismissed I'd stopped having my own opinions in general. Now I'm not professing that I became some soulless wonder, but I had too many hurt feelings in response to people saying nothing.

Maybe people did not comment because I stopped sharing anything of sustains. I believe that I was overly concerned with making others happy. I ignored my own needs to express my anger, my convictions and my opinions. I am still want to remain an open minded person but it is time for a rebirth of sorts. It is time to let out my inner Sasha so that I can become stronger, better, faster, stronger and dynamic. It seems like it should be easy to do but fear being judged as hypocrite or intolerant of other beliefs kept me somewhat superficial. I want to be free to express myself without shame or guilt: I am very weak with many strengths, I am nicest hot tempered person I know, I am very understanding with some inflexible convictions, I possess prideful humility, , I am doormat that won't but I will not take any bull. It is time to embrace my whole self and not worry about being inconsistent or disappointing people just by being true to myself.

I invite you to do the same. Love yourself unconditionally and don't be quick to judge. Take the time to observe the dynamic spirit in every life you come across and your life will be deeply meaningful. I would love to know if you believe that you have hidden parts of yourself to please others. If so what do you think would change if you made a commitment to express yourself as is instead of trying to make yourself conform to other people's standards?

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